Week One, Day Three

Another five steps along the preparation path for week one! Today's steps are all about shopping and cooking.

Step One: Prepare your inner shopper.

Once again this isn't actually a step but a heading they seem to have mistakenly put a check box next to. When I counted the check boxes for this week to determine how many steps I needed to tackle each day, I didn't catch that they put check boxes next to some (but not ALL) of the headings. Oh well. There are two videos to watch to tick this off. Here we go.

Step Two: Watch the How to Read Labels video.

You can find How to Read Labels here. 
It is four minutes long and talks about (obviously) reading labels, marketing, ingredients, additives and problem ingredients, food sensitivities, unfamiliar ingredients, and serving real food.

Step Three: Watch the How to Understand Basic Nutrition Facts video.

You can find How to Understand Basic Nutrition Facts here.
It is four minutes long and talks about glycemic load and phytonutrient index, serving sizes, whole plant foods, unprocessed foods, fiber, carbohydrates, fats, and oils.   

Step Four: Learn a few basic cooking skills.

As far as home cooks go, I consider myself fairly seasoned. No problems here.

Step Five: If you don't like to cook, complete the journaling exercise.

I *do* like to cook. I don't cook as often as I'd like to, usually because I don't have a plan or I don't feel like I have the time to throw something together. Often I fall trap to the 'we have lots of food but nothing SOUNDS good' issue - maybe that's a food addiction problem? I need to prioritize home cooking more than I do.
I also have been making cooking more enjoyable for myself with music.   I made a playlist on my phone - I just call it my 'energy' playlist - and I pump the tunes when I'm in the kitchen. It gets me moving and makes me feel good. I also think that feeling good when you cook makes the food taste better. I mean, really; who wants to eat food basted in hate and anger?

Week One, Day Two

It's week one of the preparatory phase for The Blood Sugar Solution and I'm tackling another five items today. Most of them involve getting your kitchen ready for this big lifestyle change. 

Step one: Set a date to officially start the six-week program.

OK. There are two prep weeks to this before we jump into the six week program. I started week one of prep yesterday, so my six week program will officially start on Friday, August 10th.

I will be on North Carolina at that time, at the tail end of a 10 day vacation. I thought long and hard about starting before or after vacation. It's going to be ridiculously difficult to start something like this while on vacation, out of my own kitchen and home element. On the other hand, I'm sick all the time and it won't be much of a vacation if I'm not feeling good. So either stay sick in the cabin all the time, eating 'vacation food', or put in a bunch of extra work and planning to be able to start this new health plan and hopefully feel well enough to get out and enjoy things with my family. We're planning lots of fun activities like hiking and swimming in natural water spots and bonfires and gem mining; it should be a fairly active vacation. I'd like to be WITH my family for those things.

As part of my prep next week I will spend a good deal of time planning out meals as best as possible in advance of the vacation. I'm also bringing my exercise program with me.

Step two: Prepare Your Healthy Kitchen

Well, they have a check box by this but really it's a headliner for steps 3, 4, and 5. So... done! (as soon as I tackle those anyway!)

Step three: Rid your kitchen of disease- and obesity-producing Frankenfoods.

Here he gives you rules on what NOT to eat, to ideally be followed for life. He says "if you read these rules and think there will be nothing left to eat, then you have been eating in exactly the way that will make you sick and will keep you that way." That is certainly a fear of mine! I guess that's saying something. Here's the rules in brief:

• Get rid of most foods with labels - labelled foods you keep should have fewer than five ingredients
• Get rid of all sugar (any form) and any foods with a form of sugar on the label; same goes for white rice and white flour. For me all flour has to go, even whole grain stuff, because I'm in the advanced stage.
• Get rid of anything with high fructose corn syrup.
• Get rid of anything with the word 'hydrogenated' on the label.
• Throw out any highly refined cooking oils such as corn, soy, etc. Also avoid toxic fats and fried foods.
• Throw out any food with ingredients you can't recognize or pronounce, or are in Latin.
• Throw out any foods with preservatives, additives, coloring, or dyes, "natural flavorings", or MSG.
• Toss all artificial sweeteners - ANY of them, or any foods with them. Include sugar alcohols - basically any word that ends in 'ol'. 
• If it was grown on a plant, not made in a plant, then you can keep it in your kitchen.

I'm a little confused because I've looked ahead at some of his recipes and sometimes he uses raw honey. I know I won't be using it because I'm on the advanced plan, so it'll be out for at least six weeks, but it would seem that honey is a sugar? Yet we keep it? Maybe it's not a sugar. Whatever, I'm keeping mine, I just won't eat it for six weeks. 

This is going to be a little rough because my son turns eight tomorrow and we're having his birthday party so I won't be getting rid of everything until after Monday (it's a sleepover of course!). I'm going to go clear out everything I don't need for the party right now though!

...

SEVERAL HOURS LATER...

My husband was a great help with this task. It was pretty overwhelming. I guess I hadn't cleaned up my diet as much as I'd THOUGHT. I know I fall into traps of 'I'll just buy this for the kids' and 'but we need this for a paaaaarty'. We did keep some things for Drake's birthday party tomorrow, and we will do a final kitchen clean out on Monday evening. 

All the opened items that needed to be trashed.

The hardest thing here was tossing the cooking / baking staples I have used my whole life. Flour. Sugar. Panko. Worcestershire sauce. Soy sauce (it has wheat). Powdered sugar. Brown sugar. My entire 'cooking staples' cabinet is almost empty. My anxiety is pretty high over this one. I feel a little nauseous, a little like crying.

All the unopened items that will be donated to the food pantry.

Biggest points of panic: soups. I keep chicken noodle soup on hand for when I'm sick. With all my stomach problems it's become quite a staple. I guess I'll have to plan ahead and make / freeze my own? Also broths. All my chicken broth had undesirable additives. So did my canned tomatoes. Will I have to make *everything* on my own from now on??

And pastas. I've been eating Dreamfields pastas because they have a low amount of digestible carbs. Giving them away makes me really sad. I won't be eating any pastas for at least six weeks though. And they aren't whole wheat anyway.

A bag of stuff my husband couldn't stand to let go. He's taking it to work with him.

A bag of stuff for my mom that I know she'll use.

Overall this was REALLY emotionally draining. I wanted to cry more than a few times. I did a little dance of joy when I found some bags of nuts I didn't know I had because that means there's actually still something in the house I can snack on. We decided to keep a few things for the kids - mac and cheese, yogurt, ice cream, popsicles. I won't be buying more when it's gone, and if it becomes a problem for me I'll toss it, but they should be eased into it a little bit. Largely because there's practically nothing left to eat in the house except nuts and frozen fish, which they really don't like. My son helped me clean out one of the freezers though and was excited that we are getting rid of all the unhealthy stuff. Kids are amazing.

This was confusing at times too. There's a lot of stuff in food! Calcium chloride! Ferrous something or other! Artificial colors! Natural flavors! Sodium benzoate! Carrageenan! Lecithin! And many, many more. Very overwhelming. What's ok, what's not ok? We had to keep asking ourselves 'was it grown on a plant?' 

Finally, this is frightening. We are, like many in these economic times, struggling financially. The cost to replace these foods with healthy items is going to be painful for us. Honestly, I'm not sure how we're going to do it. I've kind of been pantry-eating the past week as it was... now my pantry is almost bare and I feel more than a little panicked at the thought of finding the money to fill it with foods to nourish my family this week. Health is costly. I just keep reminding myself that in the long run, sickness costs more.

I did it. I know I should congratulate myself for it but right now I just feel kind of sick over it.

Step four: Watch the Supermarket Savvy video at his website.

You can find Supermarket Savvy here. It's 11 minutes long. 

Discusses - soda pop, liquid calories, breakfast, oils, proteins, plate proportions.

Step five: Get your essential kitchen tools.

In the book he has included a list of tools he considers necessary to prepare and cook food. He says to make sure you have most of them. I'm not listing them all here. Luckily I enjoy cooking and I already have a well stocked kitchen. The only things I am missing from the list are:

• dutch oven
• an immersion blender
• a coffee grinder for flaxseed or other spices
• a fish spatula

Of those, the only thing I really want is a dutch oven (not the farting kind!). It's actually been on my list for a while. I've been making stocks and things this past year and it would really come in handy. I think, at least for now, I can live without the other three. I've never needed them or noticed their absence in my kitchen before. I'll have to investigate the cost of dutch ovens though and bump that up the list because I have wanted one for a while.

Any recommendations for a good dutch oven?

Anyone else inspired to clean out their pantries after this?

Week One, Day One, Post Two

Whattup bitches, I am back! It's been a really strange afternoon of cleaning, being defriended by old friends because I had the nerve to have an opinion, talking about issues all over Facebook (general rule of thumb is that Facebook is for frivolity but sometimes I just can't help getting into a serious discussion, even if it makes me want to slap myself upside the head), and all kinds of crap. Let's get back to THIS important issue... getting healthy!

Step three, connecting to my motivation. Right. We've already established that I am READY. Bring this on.

Step four: identify and overcome obstacles
What are your obstacles? 

• I'm worried that I won't be able to do it. It's a huge change and I'm afraid I'll cheat too much and won't make it through.
• I'm worried it's not going to work. I am having so much trouble losing weight and getting off my medications that I'm afraid it just won't happen no matter what I do.
• I'm worried that I'll never be able to get off my diabetes medications.
• I LOVE food. Especially white flour and sugar and dairy. MILK. I drink tons of milk. I'm supposed to cut those things out cold for at least six weeks??
• Pretty sure I'm addicted to sugar. I've made a lot of dietary changes over the past six months so I don't eat nearly as much as I used to, and I don't have cravings like I did, but I think this is still going to be tough.
• We rely on convenience foods a lot. Switching to making food at HOME convenient is going to be difficult.
• We have very busy schedules. We eat out a lot because we get home late, or are running around during mealtimes, and I haven't managed to figure out how to combat that problem even with trying to eat healthier. I'm going to have to do a lot of planning ahead. That hasn't worked in the past and I'm concerned I won't be able to make it work now. 
• This isn't really an obstacle because I can still get my hands on a good deal of reasonably healthy foods BUT we don't have any good healthy food stores around us. No Trader Joe's. No Whole Foods. Our grocery stores don't have the best produce departments. Not a lot of locally sourced foods. Even our farmer's market sucks.
• I've tried to lose weight and change my habits since I was a teenager and I've just failed time and time again. 

To combat that, focus on what is important to you.

• Feeling well
• Having energy!
• Living a long vibrant life
• Spending more time with my family
• Being more present and ABLE for my kids
• Having another baby
• Working through my bucket list and my million dreams
• Starting the Not House / Spookytown
• Getting my sex drive back!!
• Doing cross fit!
• Being proud of the way I look
• Traveling
• Writing
• Finally getting organized
• Doing fun things like Color Runs! And Triathlons! Warrior Dashes! Zombie Runs! Maybe even a marathon one day...
• Fit comfortably on roller coasters and amusement park rides. Not have to worry about being too fat or too heavy.
• SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!

What are the top three things you do that hold you back from your health and weight loss goals?

• Continuing to eat processed, poor-quality, sugary, white flour foods.
• Not getting enough sleep.
• Not getting enough exercise.

What are the top three emotions or mental habits that keep you from your health and weight loss goals?

• I worry so much that I'm not taking adequate care of my family that I fall apart sometimes and just give up in the food prep / making department.
• I get bogged down with anxiety and sometimes even depression.
• I don't know how to juggle everything and I struggle with putting myself first.

How would you be different without that baggage?

I'd be freeeee, free as a bird! Honestly I can't even comprehend the idea of being free of all that. If I changed the first three things I know I'd feel much better. I don't really understand how to change the emotional habits. I guess that's why I go to therapy. I really do think I'd feel more confident, more capable, happier, more alive. Freer, more able to make my own decisions and to make good choices in my life... things that would make me AND my family happy.

Are you really too busy to change your habits and life?

Once upon a time I thought so. Then I got so sick (this year) that I could barely get anything done most days. I know now that if I don't MAKE the time to change my habits and my life, it won't matter because I'll either be too sick to do anything else OR I'll be dead. My health has to be my number one priority. I still struggle and I still have a lot of days where nothing else gets done but I do my best to make peace with them because I'm doing things for ME and if I don't, it won't matter anyway. Doesn't matter if you did the laundry instead of exercising if you die of a heart attack the next day.

What are some behaviors, habits, and relationships you could choose to engage in that would give you energy and mental, spiritual, and physical health?

Oh gosh. Making better food choices. Exercising every day. Getting enough sleep at night. Engaging with my family fully every day. Guided meditations for stress relief. Walking with friends and family. Spending time with friends that have similar goals to mine, friends that have lifestyles like the one I aim to achieve.

What motivates you in life? What makes you want to wake up each morning? What is your life's purpose?

I listed some of that above in the 'what is important to you' section. My family. Taking care of kids. I'd like to foster kids one day. Helping people. Starting Spookytown / the Not House. 

How does being overweight or ill diminish or detract from your life's purpose?

I can't do it. Plain and simple. I'm so tired or feel so terrible that I can't seem to get anything done. Some days I don't even have the energy to engage with MY kids, my family. Some days it's all I can do to just take CARE of them. It's not any kind of life.

How would following this program and getting well allow you to fulfill your life's purpose more effectively?

I dimly remember a time in my life when I had a lot of energy. I used to do all kinds of things. I was busy all the time. And I LIKED it. I miss feeling that way. I miss filling my time with activities, experiences, joy, love, jobs well done. If following this program actually made me well again, actually gave me energy and helped me feel like a healthy 33 year old SHOULD feel? I'd be so happy I would probably cry. I could get SO MUCH MORE done each day. I can barely comprehend it.

Step five: identify your health and weight loss goals

My Health Goals

What physical or health problems do I want to heal from and how will I achieve that?

• diabetes
• anxiety / depression
• chronic bronchitis / COPD
• GERD / hiatal hernia / loads of fairly regular stomach problems
• chronic fatigue
• lack of energy
• insomnia / poor sleep
• chronic itchy hives on hands and feet
• high cholesterol
• fatty liver
• chronic sinusitis

I'm hoping I will achieve that by following this program, continuing to eat healthy, losing weight, exercising more.

What is my relationship to food and how do I want to nourish myself?

Food is comfort. Or rather, food has been comfort for much of my life. I've been growing away from that for several years now, slowly, and working towards 'food is fuel'. Food is also enjoyment, companionship, a bonding experience. Food is love, something to make and share with friends and family.

I want to nourish myself by serving the best quality foods possible. I want to work towards local fare, healthy meats and produce, minimally processed. I want healthy foods that taste good. I want to share delicious, life giving meals with friends and family. I want us all to be healthy and to know that the foods we eat play a significant part in that, and that 'healthy' food is also delicious food.

What is my relationship with my body and exercise? How can I change that?

Exercise is more of a struggle as I've gotten older, especially with the diabetes, because I have to be mindful of low blood sugar. Also it's harder for me to jump right into more demanding activities than it used to be. I have found a lot of forms of exercise that I like though. I sometimes have trouble making the time to exercise because I let other things get in the way. Lately I have trouble exercising with regularity because I don't always feel very good. Sometimes I let that be an excuse too. I can change that by making firm commitments to myself and sticking to them.

Do I prioritize quality sleep? What will I do to get enough sleep and recharge my body daily?

Sleep is hard for me. I LOVE sleep, don't get me wrong. I have been a 'night person' my entire life. I love being awake at night, I love sleeping late in the mornings. I enjoy the night and the dark. It has always felt natural to me to be more of a 'third shift' kind of person. I've struggled with the fact that most of the world doesn't operate like this for YEARS. My children are young and I have to go through school with them all over again now. I hate to accept it but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might just have to work like hell to change this late night habit and become more of a morning person.

This year I've had a lot of trouble with insomnia. Even though I've always been a night person, I never used to have trouble falling asleep once I went to bed. Now sometimes I go through elaborate rituals to fall asleep and I still can't. It's very frustrating and I know I am not getting enough sleep.

I will try to stick to more rigid sleeping and waking times. I will try to follow my bedtime / relaxation routine every night so that I can get in the habit of sleeping easily.

How do I feel about my weight? What changes will I make to love my body rather than fight with it? What are my goals?

I hate my weight. I am fatter than I have ever been and I really despise it. I especially despise my stomach, which is bloated and heavy and pregnant-looking. It's hard for me to make changes to love my body because I'm so ashamed of it. I will try to treat myself nicer. I will try to buy better-fitting clothes whenever I can (I've dressed like a slob for years because I don't know how to outfit this body). I want to not just lose weight but also tone my body and be strong. Fit. Energetic.

My Psychological and Social Goals

Am I anxious, depressed, or angry? Am I a glass half-full or half-empty person? What thoughts and beliefs keep me stuck? What will I do to find out the source of my feelings and be the person I want to be?

Anxious, yes. Often. Depressed, sometimes. Angry, more often lately than I'd like to be. About a lot of things I am a glass half-full person. I struggle most with my health, weight and self image though. I'd say the obstacles I listed above are largely what keep me stuck. I'm also concerned that the amount of insulin I am on is keeping me stuck at this weight. I will commit to journaling every day to work out my feelings, which I can then face head on and hopefully become the person I want to be.

What healing do I have to do in my relationships? What do I have to do to be a better child, partner, parent, friend, coworker, etc?

I need to tackle my own feelings and overcome the anxiety, the fear, the worry, the anger, the depression. I need to open myself up more and let the positives and the good shine through. I need to be more present... first in my own life so I can be more present for everyone else. I feel like I'm living in a fog a lot of the time now, with everyone. I don't want to experience all my relationships in a fog.

What is my relationship to work? How do I want to spend my time, energy, focus, skills, and talents?

I don't work right now. I don't have the energy or health to really work. I want to work for myself anyway. I want to write. I want to craft. I want to get the Not House started. I want to pursue my dreams. I need to get healthier and get my energy back so I can DO that. 

Meaning and Purpose

What is important to me? What would I like to be my epitaph? What do I have to do to live up to that?

I pretty well covered the important to me stuff earlier. My epitaph? That's a tough one. I'd like it to be something kind of pithy. I'd be more concerned about my eulogy. I'd like to be eulogized well by people who loved me dearly. I'd like to be remembered as someone kind, creative, a bit kooky. Someone inspired by life, someone who loved the random and weird things around us. Someone who gave back, who gave as much of herself as she could to the people she loved, who stood up for what she believed in and fought for what she thought was right. Someone who always did the best she could to be a good person. A good mother, a good wife, a good friend. 

To live up to that? Just keep trying the best I can. Never give up, never surrender. Keep learning. Keep reaching out to people. Persevere through the hard times. Work it out. Write it out. Share, and more than anything, LISTEN. Try to understand before seeking to be understood. Try to live by the Prayer of St. Francis, my favorite prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

What are the 'someday I hope to' thoughts I have that I can make happen now?

I can make better food choices. I can exercise every day. I can spend a little time each day being fully present with my children and my husband. I can spend time every day writing. I can work on organizing my house just a little bit more every day. I can try to love myself a little more every day.

That's it! The rest of my steps for today. Phew. I don't think they're all going to be quite this long. This set was kind of exhausting. Cleansing though, too. Baring parts of my soul a little there!

The Blood Sugar Solution

Here we go. I read the whole book and I'm giving it a try. I'm sick all the time, I can't seem to lose weight the way I'm trying to now (calorie counting and exercise, aka the things that are 'supposed' to work), and I can't control my blood sugar without extremely high doses of insulin. I can't stand it, I don't feel like I'm living most days. I just feel like I'm existing. I'm ready for a change. A drastic change,  even. I welcome you all to join me.

The program starts with a two-week preparatory phase. Welcome to week one! This week is a lot of exploring feelings, thoughts and attitudes, and also taking some baseline measurements. Today I'm looking at the first five steps.

Step one: starting a journal. Check! I will be journaling here AND on paper. Because there are some things I'm sure I won't want to share publicly. And also because I'm supposed to write down everything I eat, how it makes me feel, how I feel throughout the day, all my blood test results, all kinds of boring things that no one really wants to see day in, day out. I'm willing to bet even my doctor is going to see the tons of minute data and yawn. I do think it's important though until I can identify patterns and see improvements.

I took this picture while I was yelling at my kids to stop fighting. Hence the crazy eyes. Also it's from Photobooth so it's backwards, but look! Journal!

Step two: visit their website and sign up and stuff. Yadda yadda. I've poured over the website and I'm sure I'll do more with this as time goes on. I'm not sure about signing up for their 'community' just yet. More on that later. (Anyone else use it? Opinions?)

Step three: connect to my motivation! There's all sorts of questions to answer here.

Are you ready? Ready as I'll ever be! Seriously, I'm much more ready for this than I would have been at some other healthier point in my life. I feel so crappy all the time now that I'm desperate. The thing is, this plan really isn't even that crazy. It's very strict, especially for someone like me with this many health issues going on, but it's very reasonable. It's also not exactly 'new'. I'd come to a lot of these conclusions myself over the past few years of reading about health and supplements and diabetes and the myriad other issues I have. The book lays it all out in one place though, and was an easy quick interesting read, and tells me step by step what to do. Sometimes when things are overwhelming already it's really nice to have someone or something there just saying 'ok, now do this. Now do this. Now this.'.

I'll tackle the rest later today. Life is intervening! As it always does. No time for health!
...Styx's 'Too Much Time On My Hands' just came on the radio. Touche, life.

Trying Something New

I've been on this journey for about four months, and I've lost seven pounds. Seven. Pounds. Less than half a pound a week.

I'm not perfect. I don't count my calories every day. I don't exercise every day... occasionally by choice, but mostly the days I don't exercise are because I'm still having health problems. Not every single thing I put in my mouth is of the highest quality. These things are probably true for all of us.

That said, I really truly have been working hard these past four months. I count my calories and stay within range more days than not (or if I go over, it's only 100-200 calories. At this stage in the game I should still be losing). I exercise at least half the time. My diet is vastly improved and I eat much healthier, and therefore much less junk, than I used to. If you look at the math behind weight loss, there's really no reason I shouldn't have lost between 16-32 pounds by now.

Some people believe weight loss is all about math. I'm a living example that this is not true. There are other factors at play here. Trying to figure them out is more frustrating than I can describe.

I haven't really been tempted to give up in the long run yet. I've had moments where I've been in a complete fuck-it-all mood, but they're few and far between. Mostly I'm just in a long-running overall funk about how slow it's going. I feel helpless. Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Irritated. Jealous of people who ARE losing weight. Ashamed. Judged. Defensive. I'm not in a great emotional place; it's supremely difficult to work this hard for so few results.

I have seen results in some areas. For one thing, I may have only lost seven pounds, but it's a loss. It's moving in the right direction. It's just not moving as fast as the MATH says it should, or as fast as my doctors would like it to move.

For another, my health is vastly improved. It's not perfect; I'd say about half of my days are difficult health-wise now. This is MUCH better than the state I was in a few short months ago where EVERY day was difficult. It wasn't so long ago that every day I felt lethargic, dizzy, extremely fatigued (as in literally-unable-to-stay-awake), achy, sore, lightheaded, foggy minded, bloated, and more. I couldn't drive. I couldn't cook or shop for my family. I couldn't clean or manage most of the simplest household tasks. I could barely care for my children all day. It was hell.  Feeling so much better is amazing to me, and when I get really frustrated about my health and diet situation, I need only remind myself to look at the recent past to feel better about it. This is the single largest motivator I need to continue working on health, fitness and weight loss.

That being said, I believe something is wrong. Weight loss isn't ALL about math but I still believe it should largely be about math. There's some magic formula where the pounds should start melting away, if only I can find it. I don't mean 'magic formula' like diet pills... the 'magic formula' is really just 'eat better, exercise more'. But sometimes there are roadblocks that need to be removed, and I think I have one, but I can't quite figure out what to do to get around it.

I suspect the culprit is insulin. My blood sugar is under control again, but I take a LOT of insulin to keep it where it needs to be. My insulin resistance is very high. I take a lot more insulin than a 33 year old Type II Diabetic should be taking. Insulin takes excess sugar and places it in fat cells. With all this extra insulin swimming around in my body, some of it doing nothing (because insulin resistance means that my body is blocking some of this insulin from being used at all, meaning I keep having to flood it with more insulin, some of which has nothing to do but MAKE FAT), its no wonder I'm struggling.
It's sort of a catch-22 though, because I can't take less insulin until I lose more weight. The theory goes that losing weight will improve my insulin resistance (IE make me LESS resistant), which will lead to me needing less insulin via injections, and things should spiral into the direction of health and fitness. Since I'm barely losing weight though, I'm not getting to the point where I can take less insulin, and as a result it often feels like I'm trudging through mud every. day.

My mom gave me one of those women's magazines over the weekend. Woman's Day or First or something like that. There was a health article she wanted me to read. Often I'm skeptical when I read these "I lost 200 pounds with THIS great new diet!" articles because, while the information isn't bad, a lot of it is recycled. This one, however, laid out every single symptom I've had this year. It also discussed fatty liver disease (which I have) and the strains it puts on your system,the difficulties it can cause for weight loss, and so on. They discussed a book called The Blood Sugar Solution that seems like it was written for people like me. So... I'm ordering it.


 It's a tragedy that bookstores are disappearing... there are NO bookstores within a half hour of me and I just haven't had time to get out to one. I'm grateful for amazon.com but at the same time I wish I could just run out and have it in my hands!! It should be here Tuesday and I might as well block off a good amount of time so I can read it as soon as it arrives.

Here's hoping it has some answers for me... not just answers, but also strategies for dealing with this weight loss struggle. It would really bolster my spirits.

Team Beachbody Intro Party

Next Thursday I will be having a Team Beachbody Intro Party at my home in Lansing, IL. I will be sharing some informational videos about the company and our fitness programs. I will also have samples of all three flavors of Shakeology on hand. I was leery about buying before trying (let's face it, anyone who has ever tried a 'weight loss shake' knows that some of them taste truly AWFUL) and I wouldn't want anyone else to purchase it without having the opportunity to try it first! The event is open to anyone in the area who is thinking about improving their health and / or fitness. Please email me if you'd like to attend and I will get back to you with more information!

I will also be starting a Turbo Jam Challenge Group in August. If you might be interested in joining, this event would be the perfect time to gather more information and sign up for the group!


IF NOT NOW, WHEN??

Team Beachbody

I mentioned a couple months back that I decided to become a Team Beachbody coach. Here's where I'm at thus far:

I've completed the TurboJam first month challenge. The second month was harder, not because of the work but because I had a lot of health issues crop up again. I've managed to keep my blood sugar largely under control though and I exercise when I can. I've had multiple sinus infections, and now I'm battling a nasty stomach virus. I exercise every day I can. I really enjoy the TurboJam program. Chalene, the trainer, is fun and bouncy while remaining encouraging instead of annoying. Each exercise program is a challenge, not so much that I can't keep up BUT I'm positively dripping with sweat each time I finish. I wholeheartedly recommend it and am looking forward to trying other exercise programs as well.

I have fallen a bit off the Shakeology bandwagon. I was really excited to try all three flavors. I have. My personal, brief opinions are... the chocolate is great, I really like it. Very palatable. The green berry is FUNKY and I want nothing to do with it (others seem to love it though). The strawberry has great flavor but I can't get rid of the powdery / grittiness to it, and that makes it really hard for me to drink. I'm going to continue experimenting and will test out different methods and recipes. I'll probably largely stick to the chocolate for myself though.

Teambeachbody.com is a great resource. I don't use it as often as I should (daily!) but it's great for tracking your exercise and for meeting folks doing the same programs and encouraging each other. What I really like about it is the meal plans - I followed their plan for a good month and almost never had a bad meal. It makes the calorie counting part of my lifestyle very easy. If you'd like to join (the basic membership is FREE), head over to my page, sign up, and friend me! http://www.teambeachbody.com/milliondreammom

Overall I'm enjoying the company so far and am looking forward to running future challenge groups and fit clubs. I created a Facebook page for my business, please go over and 'like' it. I'll share information on products, specials, challenges, and also post encouraging pictures, quotes, and articles.

If you are interested in trying Shakeology, here's my web link:

http://myshakeology.com/MillionDreamMom

If you are interested in purchasing any of our programs, here's my web link:
beachbodycoach.com/MILLIONDREAMMOM

Let me know if you have any questions or requests for future posts about the company!

Struggles

It's been a rough day/night. It's 8AM and I haven't been able to sleep yet.

It's hard to be healthy when you struggle with myriad health issues. It's a near-constant game of two steps forward, one step back. If you persevere you WILL get ahead, but it can be very frustrating.

Controlling diabetes can feel like a full-time job. This is not my only problem, but I daresay it's my largest. I've been mum on this blog for quite a while; I was feeling like crap pretty much every day of my life and couldn't get a handle on things. I was convinced I had thyroid problems or lupus or something. Turns out it was simply that my blood sugar was way out of control. My AIC was over 10. (For you non-diabetics, that's pretty bad; target is under 6.) Being in the thick of things, even knowing that tight blood sugar control is essential, it can be very easy to slip up and loosen the reins a bit and still convince yourself you are doing better than you actually are. The numbers don't lie though.

Unfortunately when things get that out of control, it takes awhile to fix it up. It was a slow process of adjusting medications, feeling a little better... better enough to tackle improving my nutrition. Feeling a little bit better still, and finally feeling like I was able to tack on some daily exercise. I got my blood sugar under control, but not without extensive work. So then I wasn't blogging because the majority of my days were spent:

1) planning the food I would eat that day
2) going to the grocery store daily (for fresh foods and also because planning out an entire week was too overwhelming)
3) testing my sugars a million times a day (fasting, before meals, after meals, before and after exercise, before bed, sometimes during the night)
4) writing down everything I was eating, all my sugar readings, all the medications and supplements I took that day, any exercise I did, all my insulin dosages, any health symptoms I had... keeping a log for myself, my doctors, AND my nutritionist (all of whom I've met with multiple times over the past couple months)
5) exercising every day for 30-60 minutes
6) eating on time, cooking healthy meals
7) trying to get enough sleep every night (always a problem for me)

I'm still doing a lot of those things, and by the time I've done that plus the basic daily 'taking care of the kids, pets, and house', it seems every day is completely GONE. No time for extra projects, no time for blogging, no time for my to-do lists. I keep thinking this should all take less time, and yet it never seems to. I'm waiting for some sort of balance to kick in where these things get easier and don't take my entire day... I don't know if that will ever happen, and I don't want this to be my entire life. And yet... if I DON'T do it, I get sicker and sicker until I can't do anything.

Despite my best efforts, the weight is sticking to me like glue. I managed to scrape off about six pounds over the past couple months... then I got hit with the recurring sinus infection from hell (I'm on my third round of antibiotics for it, and I have to go for a CAT scan of my sinuses) and that drops me for a good week every time it comes back. My eating and sleeping get shot to hell again.

That's where I am right now. Coming off the third bout of sinus infection. Feeling better (worried it won't last though), but while I was down I missed some of my medications (and my eating and exercise were shot to hell; I'm afraid to get on the scale right now). So I started one of them back up about a week ago... it's one where I have to gradually scale the dose to my max... and every time I scale up I get sick for a day. Friday night I scaled up for the second time, and yesterday I had a migraine, dizziness, nausea off and on all day. I managed to do OK in the eating department... only to have two swings into the low blood sugar range.

This is where it gets REALLY frustrating, being diabetic and losing weight. The healthier you get, (in general) the less insulin you need. Which means that as your body gets better, you're going to start experiencing low blood sugars. Which you have to live with for a little while until you see a pattern and your doctor has you adjust your medications downward.

Low blood sugar is hell. There are a lot of symptoms; here is what happens to me: I get shaky. My hands tremble uncontrollably and a feeling of panic wells up inside me as my body suddenly becomes extremely weak. I become lightheaded, and often nauseous. All judgment flies out the window and I'm overcome with an overwhelming urge to EAT (to fix the problem). Adrenaline flows through my body, trying to take the place of the glucose, and with a surge of adrenaline comes a lack of reason.

Here's what a diabetic is SUPPOSED to do when experiencing low blood sugar:

1) ingest one carb serving's worth of some sort of sugar. Nothing with fat, it slows the absorption. A half cup of juice, a few glucose tablets - those are your best choices. In a pinch, a half-cup of full sugar soda will do. Or hard candy or marshmallows or something. 15 grams of sugar.

2) Then WAIT. Wait 15 minutes and test your blood sugar again. If it is still low, repeat step one and wait another 15 minutes.

Imagine being hit with a surge of adrenaline, an extreme fight or flight response, and then having to just SIT calmly and wait it out. IT'S REALLY HARD. The effects of the low blood sugar, by the way, continue for about a half hour after your sugar has come back to normal. So even though your body is technically OK, you FEEL like everything is wrong.

Here's what actually happens when a diabetic has low blood sugar:

you just keep eating...

and eating...

and eating...

and eating...

and eating...

and eating.

Finally your body realizes it is OK and you calm the hell down and become rational. Just in time to have your blood sugar SKYROCKET.

Oh, and you also ate your entire week's worth of calories in one sitting.

Going through it once in a day is really hard on your body. Going through it twice in one day? You'll probably be totally wiped out.

So here I am. Low blood sugar twice yesterday, in addition to already being dizzy and nauseous and migrained from my medication adjustment. There was no sleeping last night, despite my best efforts and the fact that I'm pretty exhausted. I just felt too miserable. The room seems to keep spinning even when I close my eyes.

I'm not sure what to do with today now, as it stretches before me. I fear I'm too tired and ill-feeling to accomplish anything worthwhile. This will likely only get worse as the day goes on. However, sleeping during the day will only perpetuate this vicious cycle of insomnia at night.

Add in a healthy dose of anxiety over all the articles I've read in the past year telling me that adequate rest is ESSENTIAL to health and weight loss. 

As always, the best course of action is to not give up. To just KEEP TRYING. Even if the pattern is two steps forward, one step back - I'm still getting ahead, it's just much slower than I'd like. As much as it doesn't FEEL like it, low blood sugar is a GOOD sign. It means I'm moving in the right direction. It's a struggle, true; but it's a good fight for a worthwhile cause. I'm fighting for me. I'm fighting for my family. I'm fighting for my life, and for once that's quite literal.

Giving up is not an option, even when it's hard. ESPECIALLY when it's hard.