I'm not perfect. I don't count my calories every day. I don't exercise every day... occasionally by choice, but mostly the days I don't exercise are because I'm still having health problems. Not every single thing I put in my mouth is of the highest quality. These things are probably true for all of us.
That said, I really truly have been working hard these past four months. I count my calories and stay within range more days than not (or if I go over, it's only 100-200 calories. At this stage in the game I should still be losing). I exercise at least half the time. My diet is vastly improved and I eat much healthier, and therefore much less junk, than I used to. If you look at the math behind weight loss, there's really no reason I shouldn't have lost between 16-32 pounds by now.
Some people believe weight loss is all about math. I'm a living example that this is not true. There are other factors at play here. Trying to figure them out is more frustrating than I can describe.
I haven't really been tempted to give up in the long run yet. I've had moments where I've been in a complete fuck-it-all mood, but they're few and far between. Mostly I'm just in a long-running overall funk about how slow it's going. I feel helpless. Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Irritated. Jealous of people who ARE losing weight. Ashamed. Judged. Defensive. I'm not in a great emotional place; it's supremely difficult to work this hard for so few results.
I have seen results in some areas. For one thing, I may have only lost seven pounds, but it's a loss. It's moving in the right direction. It's just not moving as fast as the MATH says it should, or as fast as my doctors would like it to move.
For another, my health is vastly improved. It's not perfect; I'd say about half of my days are difficult health-wise now. This is MUCH better than the state I was in a few short months ago where EVERY day was difficult. It wasn't so long ago that every day I felt lethargic, dizzy, extremely fatigued (as in literally-unable-to-stay-awake), achy, sore, lightheaded, foggy minded, bloated, and more. I couldn't drive. I couldn't cook or shop for my family. I couldn't clean or manage most of the simplest household tasks. I could barely care for my children all day. It was hell. Feeling so much better is amazing to me, and when I get really frustrated about my health and diet situation, I need only remind myself to look at the recent past to feel better about it. This is the single largest motivator I need to continue working on health, fitness and weight loss.
That being said, I believe something is wrong. Weight loss isn't ALL about math but I still believe it should largely be about math. There's some magic formula where the pounds should start melting away, if only I can find it. I don't mean 'magic formula' like diet pills... the 'magic formula' is really just 'eat better, exercise more'. But sometimes there are roadblocks that need to be removed, and I think I have one, but I can't quite figure out what to do to get around it.
I suspect the culprit is insulin. My blood sugar is under control again, but I take a LOT of insulin to keep it where it needs to be. My insulin resistance is very high. I take a lot more insulin than a 33 year old Type II Diabetic should be taking. Insulin takes excess sugar and places it in fat cells. With all this extra insulin swimming around in my body, some of it doing nothing (because insulin resistance means that my body is blocking some of this insulin from being used at all, meaning I keep having to flood it with more insulin, some of which has nothing to do but MAKE FAT), its no wonder I'm struggling.
It's sort of a catch-22 though, because I can't take less insulin until I lose more weight. The theory goes that losing weight will improve my insulin resistance (IE make me LESS resistant), which will lead to me needing less insulin via injections, and things should spiral into the direction of health and fitness. Since I'm barely losing weight though, I'm not getting to the point where I can take less insulin, and as a result it often feels like I'm trudging through mud every. day.
My mom gave me one of those women's magazines over the weekend. Woman's Day or First or something like that. There was a health article she wanted me to read. Often I'm skeptical when I read these "I lost 200 pounds with THIS great new diet!" articles because, while the information isn't bad, a lot of it is recycled. This one, however, laid out every single symptom I've had this year. It also discussed fatty liver disease (which I have) and the strains it puts on your system,the difficulties it can cause for weight loss, and so on. They discussed a book called The Blood Sugar Solution that seems like it was written for people like me. So... I'm ordering it.
It's a tragedy that bookstores are disappearing... there are NO bookstores within a half hour of me and I just haven't had time to get out to one. I'm grateful for amazon.com but at the same time I wish I could just run out and have it in my hands!! It should be here Tuesday and I might as well block off a good amount of time so I can read it as soon as it arrives.
Here's hoping it has some answers for me... not just answers, but also strategies for dealing with this weight loss struggle. It would really bolster my spirits.
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