How Do I REALLY Feel About My Diet?

Even though yesterday was my 'official' day one on the program, I've been pretty much following this diet for a while now. I started the two week prep part on Friday, August 3rd; that was fairly extreme, cutting out sugar, flour, alcohol, and caffeine.

I started following the food rules of the advanced plan on Tuesday August 14th; further cutting out all grains, fruit (except half a cup of berries a day), dairy, and starchy vegetables.

If you didn't know me well in person before this, here are some things you should know about me: For starters, I'm 33 years old, and I was raised on a fairly traditional Midwestern diet. Meat, potatoes, overcooked canned or frozen veggies, lots of breads. We drank pop pretty regularly. Sweets have been prevalent in my home from the time I was a kid, and I have always loved them. If I were to go to my mom's house right now and poke around for food (which all of us DO every time we go over there), I'd find:

• a counter with Twinkies, cookies, coffee cakes, white bread, brownies, fudge, probably some candy
• A freezer with several kinds of ice cream, frozen dinner's (Stouffer's and Hot Pockets), ice cream bars
• A fridge with lunchmeat, pop, milk, butter, cream cheese, American cheese, probably sliced cheese, leftovers (often meat and potatoes and a veggie), refrigerated Bob Evans mashed potatoes, instant puddings and jello desserts. On top of the fridge is a basket filled with potato chips, tortilla chips, cheetos.
• A cabinet next to the fridge with macaroni and cheese and white pasta
• A shelf with several kinds of crackers (Town House, Club Crackers), popcorn, instant microwaveable cakes and brownies, sugary oatmeals and breakfast cereals (Fruity Pebbles, Corn Pops), bags of marshmallows
• And a giant glass jar filled to the brim with chocolate, chocolate, chocolate - Hershey's, Reese's cups, Kit Kats, Baby Ruths

I don't know if it was exactly like that when I was growing up, but that's pretty much the setup it's been for years. Everyone likes visiting mom's house - it's full of goodies! It's hard for me to even go over there right now because it's really hard to resist those things. I was raised on them, and I really believe sugar and flour are very addicting. It's hard to change a habit as it is; it's even harder when your body is having physical reactions to the mere IDEA of putting those things in your mouth.

I mention all this to illustrate the fact that I was raised on lots of white, white, white foods. Processed foods. Flour and sugar. The very things that seem to be worst for my body right now.

So to have been on this incredibly restrictive diet for a good four weeks now, and to have another 6+ weeks staring me in the face - it's HARD. It would be hard for anyone... but it's REALLY hard for someone like me who suddenly can't eat ANY of the things that are habitual foods. I'm attempting to force my body to eat in a COMPLETELY different way from what it has known for all 33 years of its life. I've made small changes over the past decade; mostly adding in foods I knew were good for me, not as much taking out foods that I knew were bad for me. I got rid of pop years ago; I almost never touch the stuff. I've added in more vegetables to my dietary repertoire. I've experimented with whole wheat grains, pastas, and breads. But cutting out all of the things I DO eat? And doing it so suddenly? I've had a lot of unhappiness these past four weeks. I'll be honest - part of me HATES this diet. Part of me is really, desperately bitter about NOT being able to eat those foods. The logical side of me knows this is a much healthier, more sustainable diet. The emotional side of me is mostly placated by the knowledge that I FEEL so much better most of the time. I don't dwell on it most of the time. But I'm unhappy. I have cravings. They're not as bad as they were at first, but the people who said they go away after a few days? Obviously weren't really addicted, and obviously didn't have habits as bad as mine.

Here's my journal from yesterday.

 Breakfast is hard every day. I skipped breakfast for YEARS. When I became diabetic, adding in breakfast was one of the hardest things I had to do.  Forcing myself to eat in the mornings made me nauseous for almost two years, but I did it. I finally found something that worked reasonably well for me - a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a glass of milk. I had that for breakfast for more than a year. Now I can't eat cereal. I hate oatmeal, but even if I liked it, I couldn't have it right now. My body, still not thrilled with the idea of breakfast in general, finally adjusted itself to the general idea of something sweetened with a dairy in the mornings. I can't have either of those things now. I like eggs, quite a bit, but a) I'm only supposed to eat a max of 8 eggs a week and b) I don't really DO eggs - or anything savory - for breakfast. I'm also not a morning person, which means I HATE cooking in the morning. I want an EASY, quick breakfast. I finally hit on a solution that is working pretty well, but it's still quite an adjustment.

Lunch has always been hard. I could very easily skip it now that I've had breakfast. I'd have the occasional sandwich... cheese quesadillas are big over here... or hot dogs, or franks n beans, or mac and cheese. Can't have any of those. I'm trying to eat soups and salads or leftovers now. I've never been a salad eater - leafy greens don't feel or taste like food to me. I really have to jazz them up with carrots and cukes and seeds and maybe some ham or turkey or a bit of hard boiled egg. I can't even have cheese or dressing. Soups and stews are fine EXCEPT I have to cook them, and sometimes they don't turn out very tasty (I need to build up my 'delicious meals' repertoire for this diet!! I'm working on it!) and then I'm just left feeling really unhappy with my diet again.

Snacks - another hard one. Berries are OK but they've never been my favorite fruit, and to be honest, I've always put sugar on them. I'm trying to eat them but they're much more tart than I'm used to and I'm mostly just unhappy while I'm eating them. Salsa and/or guacamole are delicious - but no chips. Eating it with veggies just isn't the same. I'm working on it. Hummus is good - but no pitas. Again with the veggies. I eat my sad carrot and cry on the inside.

Dinner - I DO like to cook (my problem with doing it for every meal is the sheer amount of TIME it takes up! And also how filthy my kitchen gets every day!). I've been going through my cookbooks and making lists of every recipe that fits this plan and categorizing them (dinner, side dish, lunch, etc). Before I go grocery shopping I put together a meal plan for the next few days from this recipe list. It's... kind of exhausting. SO MUCH PLANNING. There is no real easy 'grab and go' meal idea on this plan. Not unless I cooked it ahead, anyway. Some dinners have been very tasty. Others, not so much. Then I'm unhappy. And so are the kids. Last night's dinner? SUCKED. The chicken was OK. The vegetables - I'm not even sure if OJ liked them. The kids and I barely touched them.

Late night - I allow myself a Larabar, and sometimes a small bit of dark chocolate if I really feel like I need it. I look forward to that fucking Larabar ALL DAY. It's hard not to eat it earlier in the day. But if I don't end the day with something sweet I want to kill someone, and I will be looking for food all night then... and sometimes even after the Larabar I'm still craving something. Nights are hardest for me. I just want to eat and eat. Last night I gave in and made a plate of scrambled eggs. Still on the plan, so that's OK, but I REALLY wanted to sneak out after everyone went to bed and hit a drive through or something. I could TASTE Taco Bell's nacho cheese. I'm not kidding. If Taco Bell had been in my house I would have eaten everything they could give me.


So. In conclusion, I kind of hate this diet. I like the results I'm getting, and that's really the only thing that keeps me going. If I hadn't gotten so sick for so long, and didn't have that to compare my currently much healthier self to - I wouldn't be sticking to this diet. It's REALLY difficult. It's very extreme for someone coming from a food background like mine. I think the idea behind a lot of it is sound and the principles for eating for life are good but I think I might take a gentler approach if you're not as sick as me (though the Basic Plan isn't nearly as tough as this one is. I'd be MUCH happier if I could have rice, the occasional potato, or an apple, or banana). 

I'm not giving up. I'm just... trudging through with a sort of grim determination, is all. I think it's important to be honest and examine feelings. I'm laying this out there in case anyone else is trying this, or something like this, and hating it too and getting down on themselves about it. It's OK to feel your feelings. It's hard to make changes, especially when they're this extreme. Do the best you can. It's OK. Don't beat yourself up. I'm not. This is a long term change, over the course of your life, and a few negative feelings for a time aren't going to make or break your life. A few deviations from the plan won't either. Perserverance is the key to success. Even if it's done grimly. :)